So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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