Quick, to the slutcave!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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