I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
