This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
