Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
