After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
