2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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