My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
