so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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