I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
