just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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