At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
