why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
