yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
