Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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