update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
