positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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