So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
