The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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