Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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