so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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