Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
