You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
