I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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