i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
