It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
