I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
