If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
