the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
