Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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