My friends, they love my intelligence
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
