this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
