i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
