there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Randomize
