Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
