Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just high enough for therapy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
