My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
