I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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