I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
