guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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