my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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