I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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