Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
