"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
