the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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