I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she told me i tasted like america
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
