do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
