conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
