I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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