the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
